You Talk Like A Girl!

I could handle being told I “run like a girl” or “throw like a girl”. Who cares? What’s it to you? But as I have coached more-and-more women over the years I have come to recoil when I find women who “talk like a girl”. The women who avoid eye contact when talking about tough things, use twice as many words when delivering a difficult message, and insert “hedging” language in almost every circumstance.

Those symptoms of “girl talk” appear to support the nurturer and appeaser that lurks within each female. I am sure there are exceptions to this theory. Women whose inner girl never existed or has been kicked out over time. But, in the vast majority of cases, even the toughest, most accomplished women still have a girl inside who colors the woman’s communication.

I love to support every woman’s natural nurturer and appeaser instincts. I love the things that make us unique from our gender counterparts – men! I raise the flag of honor that I have unique skills, strengths, and tendencies because my chromosomes are different than men. I even respect the fact that some of those tendencies may be present because of unintentional programming by society, family and friends rather than biology.

Where talking like a girl gets in the way of success - now that is where I have a problem. When women are maneuvering the professional landscape, talking like a girl can hurt us.

First, avoiding eye contact during tough interactions undermines our authority and weakens our message. Tough times can include delivering a tough message, discussing risky subjects, or even disagreeing. For many women, it can also include times when she must brag – like in an interview. Many women are not comfortable “tooting their own horn” so they either don’t or sabotage the message with bad eye contact, shielded body language or hedging words (more on that later). When delivering these types of messages women will look off to the side of the listener or get distracted by things around them like papers on their desk. It is critical in those situations to maintain strong eye contact to show the seriousness and sincerity of the message. Without strong eye contact you look weak, uninterested, and even unconvinced of the very words you are saying.

Second, uncomfortable with a subject, women use twice as many words to deliver their point. Whether it is answering a question about why they are no longer at their last employer or what is their biggest weakness, women use more words to answer the question. When delivering hard messages, such as reprimands, the same holds true. The extra words don’t soften or hide the message, they just confuse it. Whenever preparing for a tough conversation or an interview, consider what topics are most challenging for you and prepare your part of the conversation. Go over the message in your mind or even on paper and be aware of times you are adding unnecessary words. Clear, concise and meaningful discourse in these situations lessens the confusion, makes you look confident and shortens the period of pain by allowing you to move on to a subject you do want to talk about.

Finally, Jane Austen and other female masters of the English language would cry if they heard the slaughtering of the English language that is done when women add unnecessary and pointless words to our speech. “Um”, “maybe”, “kind of”, “like”, and “I think” are just a few examples. We all have hedging words we use as crutches when talking. And in many cases they are harmless little words, but in the work and interview setting, they make us look less poised and they weaken our message. Which is stronger? “I am confident I would add value to your organization” or “I think I may add value to your organization? “Maybe we should hold off on a decision” or “We should consider holding off on a decision”. Getting rid of these hedging words is tough because by the time we know we use them they are engrained in our speech, but being aware of them is the first step and then practicing and correcting our patterns will help us reverse the damage.

Be a girl (or woman) in all the glorious ways you can, but when it comes to communication at work or in interviews, control the ways talking like a girl can diminish your success.